Many times, when I look in the mirror, I notice different things depending on my mood and what demons are awake. One day, maybe I think one of my eyes looks wonky or lazy. The next day, I might be convinced that I have no face and no neck...in fact, I'm certain that I consist of only my double chin. Ugh. What is up with that thing?! Tomorrow hormones may flood my body in such immense proportions that I have to say "Uncle!". Why else would I have hot flashes, a stealth chin pimple and a hint of what might be a mustache worthy of the waxing lady saying "you see that? You looka like a man!". Yeah, thanks nail lady...who is sadistically peeling my face off in the name of tidy brows and no-stache. HOWEVER...TODAY I look in the mirror as an Eating Psychology Coach...practitioner...counselor...and, with work on self and many hours of training, I have found "the light" in the darkness of my own self abuse. Today my purpose couldn't be more clear.
I am here to bring light to the soul lurking in the lonely darkness of a misguided relationship around food. The person who avoids looking in the mirror because only the imperfections reflect back...the ghost of true beauty has no reflection, right? Feels true...at least to that person. Then there exists the friend everyone thinks is so funny because he/she starts off social conversations by making fun of their "obvious weight problem" in order to get it out there as a joke instead of what it really is...an incredibly hurtful, humiliating, embarrassing moment if someone else calls attention to it. It's damaging either way. What about the woman who craves love and companionship that she'll surely be worthy of "when she loses weight"? To her, all of her hopes and dreams of acceptance are framed by the numbers on the scale. All of those scenarios, and countless more, are the reason I chose this career path. On second thought, I cannot take the credit for the path that I am on...as it chose me.
I was a chunky, but happy, child. Then I was a thin, hot and curvy teen. My parents were very loving and encouraged me to think for myself and have my own opinions. Sometimes, that only meant that my mother would have to smile uncomfortably when I decided that the look for the day was straight from Madonna in the 80's, lace gloves and all (thank goodness I didn't develop an affinity for cone boobs, right?). Other days, it meant sitting in a meeting in the High School Principal's office because I decided to pat my boyfriend on the ol' ass while I was cheering at a football game. In my mind, nothing said "up yours, Coach" quite like an ass pat...because why in the world would I let a coach tell me my boyfriend can't come down and hang out with me when I'm supposed to be cheering? Pffft...as if I was going to allow anyone to be the boss of me. Indeed, my adolescence was emblazoned with a plethora of teenage antics and general naughtiness. Plus, I had a real challenge with authority. Can you sniff that out yet? I suspect I may not be the only one who had this affliction.
When I was 19, I moved to another state away from all family. I married a man 13 years older than me, my stepchildren were closer to my age than he was and I began my career in advertising. I went from my teenage years to a "successful" advertising career of high stress, late nights and lots of booze. It was a pressure cooker and I gave it everything I had...feel that adrenaline, baby! Why would I take care of myself or think about having an actual family of my own? I was making great money and had so much perceived power! I was a rock star at my job! There are many reasons that my first marriage did not last but I vividly remember my husband saying to me..."that job has changed you"...and not for the better. That was the beginning of the end. It's quite important to mention here that, over those 10 years, I gained (and sometimes lost...only to regain that and more) over 150 lbs. Looking back, I did everything I could...including making myself double in size...to avoid dealing with the demons that lurked within the strong, sharp tongued, quick witted me.
It was the summer of 2006 that I felt a shift in me for the first time. Suddenly, work didn't come first in my life. Friday and Saturday nights weren't about partying. Instead, weekends well spent consisted of a close friend or two around my patio table, bottles of wine, delicious antipasto and brilliant laughing and sharing. It was that summer when I realized that I had to slow down. I had to stop pushing so hard. I had to enjoy life and give back at the same time.
That was 10 years ago and a lot has happened since that summer. I am remarried and have an amazing daughter of my own. I have lost weight...gained more weight... battled more demons...lost...got back up...kicked a demon ass or two...discovered 3 more... replenished...and continue on my journey today. The good news is this...I am winning. I am winning through practice because life IS practice. You're not perfect when you wake up and you won't be perfect when you lay that beautiful head down to sleep. Guess what? Our imperfections are expected...and they are perfectly normal and good. A wise man once said "there is only one thing that is certain in life...and that is uncertainty...so relax into that uncertainty". What a dork, right? Well, he's completely right, my friends. Once we accept that life is uncertain, it's one more piece of the puzzle that has found it's place. There is a sea of pieces to that puzzle...and that is why our journey is for life.
You might be wondering what I meant in the beginning about how the path chose me. Well, as I was pondering whether or not to attend a school for health coaching, a local wellness company found me on a networking site because they had an Office Manager position open. To be clear, although I had a passion for these topics, there was NOTHING in my profile that indicated any interest in health and wellness so it was quite shocking when they reached out to me out of everyone else. I was apprehensive about being heavy and interviewing with a wellness company but I did it anyway...and I was hired! My position at this company only lasted about 4.5 months and I was devastated when it ended. However, I recognized it as God's plan to give me a taste of what He had in store for me. About 7 months later, I was on a soul soothing vacation with my family when I learned about The Institute for the Psychology of Eating, founded by Marc David, and his coaching certification program. It was more expensive than the school I had been looking into but the concept was...different. Marc David's program explores why we do the things we do with food and strategies we can use to help heal ourselves from a Mind Body Nutrition approach that is compassionate and intuitive. Everything about the program felt right and my husband was very supportive of my decision. Oh yeah...the "wise man" I mentioned above is, in fact, Marc David...and he is an amazing person on so many levels :)
My training took me in some very hard to face areas of my being. I am thankful to my soul for holding space for these experiences until I was ready to accept them. To stand in front of a mirror and look at a body that I've spent so much time hating and realizing how much it has tried to protect me from the world is challenging, yet transformational. I am grateful for my body's efforts to keep me safe. I had to honor my feelings of being an emotional mess which, by the way, is actually quite normal for the Feminine in human beings...many of us just try to control it to the point of implosion. I still don't wake up perfect...and I certainly stumble through many days...but this I know to be true: our life journey is a beautiful tapestry of experiences that are woven together by Expert Hands...that know exactly what They are doing.
So today, I look at myself in the mirror and (on many days!) see the beautiful woman I have become and I am feeling so blessed as this career path is being added to MY tapestry. I want to reach those who need encouragement to step into what wellness means for their life...those who need guidance on healing strategies for food/body image/digestive issues...those who need to find HOPE again beyond the number on the scale...to see the beautiful creation that they are...even NOW...and those who have given up because they "can't afford" to help themselves in this way. If you, or someone you know, could potentially benefit from my services, please reach out to me at LaurenBaldwinEPC@gmail.com. Lastly, and I mean this wholeheartedly: please do not let finances or circumstances keep you from taking this step for yourself. I did exactly that for so many years mainly because I never came across anyone who expressed a true desire to help me and I couldn't afford to seek the services of the "experts" in the nutritional field.
I intend to bridge that gap for people who need my help.
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