Truth Telling from the Garden

"Here she comes...she's really going to try this crazy shit!  This whole, planting in May...starting outside from seed...it's lunacy!" said my whiskey barrel by the gate.  "I hear she's only been gardening for a few years...she doesn't know what the hell she's doing" commented another old weathered barrel.  "Well, I heard she's going to use OLD seeds this year!" whispered the newest of the barrels.  "This is Texas, lady...these plants won't even make it through the scorching summer...let alone produce anything"sneered a crotchety old whiskey barrel.  

Well, UP YOURS, nay-sayers!  STICK IT!

There's a freeze coming so I had to (reluctantly) pull all of my peppers and tomatoes from the garden.  My heart overflowed with gratitude and pride as I saw how many were on there.  You see, there were those who thought I was nuts.  You don't start tomatoes and peppers in May.  Truth is, I totally know that but time just escaped me in late March/early April.  You certainly don't start them outside from seed...in May.  Well, I did, so there!  And...for crying out loud, you don't use OLD seeds and expect anything.  Hey, that's all I had on hand on the day that felt inspired to plant!  I poked the little seeds down into the soil and talked to them like the freak I am.  I told them it's ok if they didn't feel like coming up but I wanted to give them a chance.  I had more tomato seeds than space so I decided to just plant them all rather than save them...I mean, surely some wouldn't come up because that would be defy all odds!

But...those little buggers DID!  And, it quickly became apparent that I would need to transplant this mass of tomato plants to other barrels.  They came up but they may not survive this transplant since I felt like Baby Huey doing it.  I apologized to them and hoped they'd grow strong.  They DID.

Ok...now I have a handful of barrels stuffed with plants like the garden version of that hording show...there was no way I could keep all of these so a few of my friends came over and we started re-potting them to give away to others.  And, by "we", I don't necessarily mean that I did much because, wine ;)  Again, they may not survive the transport/transplant but they were free, organic plants, so what the hell!  Take them & love them people!  Free love!  Uh...I mean through plants.

Over the summer, my tomato plants would get some blooms but didn't produce.  I would walk around my barrels and inspect the plants, talk to God, and ask for support for my garden.  My poor pepper plants were nowhere to be seen.  I guess those seeds were just too old.  Since my tomato plants had blooms but I rarely saw bees, I began the bloom to bloom make-out ritual.  Don't judge me.  They needed "help" in that area and I was like their plant sex therapist so to speak.  Not to brag on my skills, but I guess I'm pretty good at that because I started to see some little tomatoes late in the summer!  Then several of the plants got very, very bushy (geez, the 70's called and it wants it's bush back!!) and couldn't be held up anymore...they fell down and some split. I just left them because... they were still blooming! Crazy!

Then came September.  I saw my pepper plants coming up!  IN SEPTEMBER.  By this time, I had no idea what the hell kind of peppers they were but I knew they were something!  HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS!  These seeds sat there...doing whatever the hell they were doing in that soil...for 4 stinking months!!  What they hell were they doing down there?  Waiting for mom's meatloaf?  Welcome to the party, pepper folks!  Let's do this thing!

Since then, my tomatoes and peppers have been surprising me daily.  Now, because there were not many bees around, I lost a lot of pepper blooms but when I went out to pull the tomatoes to prepare for the freeze tonight, I was in AWE of the bounty that was on those vines.  Pure joy, I tell you!  Here's a side note...most of the tomatoes in the picture came from 2-3 tomato plants.  I had about 6 more that were struggling to stay alive themselves...and hadn't produced anything.  About 3 weeks ago (yes, in NOVEMBER), one of the struggling plants had 2 tomatoes on the mostly brown, somewhat dry, vine.  It did it.  It squeaked out some produce.  I damn near cried for this plant and I'm not shitting you.

All joking aside, I am truly thankful.  I'm thankful for the produce, yes.  But, more importantly, I'm thankful for the lesson.  God, I hear you.  You speak to me in some very interesting ways.

If you recall, 2015 was basically a disaster for my family and I realized that I had not participated in the things that brought me joy...like my garden.  So, the only thing left in the garden was the raggedy rosemary...then the flowers, being inspired by the rosemary, came back.  It was symbolic.  It renewed my outlook.

2016 has been a lovely, bi-polar bitch.  It's had some wonderful things, of course, but it's also had some mighty big challenges for my family again.  Yet, here I am...learning my lessons through produce.

God wants me to keep my hope and wonder.  To not give up on myself even if the odds are stacked against me.  To celebrate my victories even if they're small and late in the game.  To say: "What the hell!  Why not?!" more often.  Yes, I do think God wants me to say that...because he knows I just can't say heck.  Or "What the toast!"...is that a thing?  Maybe it should be.  Use it in a sentence today.  
God wants these things for you too.  Be the tomato...just keep blooming knowing you will produce.  Be the pepper...patiently waiting, knowing your moment is coming.  Be the rosemary or the spring flower...pushing through the harshness of life because you will be renewed again.  Be all of those things...because you can and you are so very worth every effort!

This is my harvest this morning.  I have NEVER, EVER had a tomato harvest so plentiful!  Plus, I grow heirlooms so it's even more challenging to keep them alive.  My heart is grateful.  Now I wait for tomatoes to ripen.  I will be using the bell peppers for chili this week and the jalepenos for my favorite night...veggie nacho night!

We can do this, people!!!
    

Don't forget to use worm castings for all of your plants! Good stuff!

Hope & Truth: A Tale of My Slap Happy Friend and the Raggedy Rosemary

I planted more vegetables in my garden last week. Big deal, right? Actually, it's quite symbolic. My fossilized garden this year was a very real reminder of how far I've come and how "life happens". Let's go there.

I love organic gardening. This part of me is something that blossomed in the last few years as my life was taking some unexpected turns toward a "hippy life" (never thought I'd be called a hippy...and also never thought I'd be perfectly ok with that!). I feel very connected to the universe when I'm working in my garden which happens to be a collection of empty Jack Daniel's whiskey barrels. I think the fact that they sold them without the whiskey was a little rude...but that's not the point (seriously though...who drank all that whiskey and didn't share?). Back to the point. There is such a sense of peace and harmony with God's creation when you plant seeds, watch them emerge, and nurture them into something that will provide life giving nutrients for you and your family.

Yes, I so love organic gardening...and yet, last year, I didn't touch my garden. At all. I didn't pull out the dead plants from the previous season and I didn't even pull the weeds out of those barrels that were growing because a bird shit a seed in them. I watched the garden just sit there and bake in the sun. In all honesty, I didn't actually watch it that much though because I rarely sat out on my patio either. Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE TO SIT ON MY PATIO. Alone or with a few good friends...with a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. Patios are a place where good shit happens. So, I didn't sit on my patio much and I ignored my garden. Life was a little rough in 2015. To say it was a struggle would be an understatement. Our core family became fractured, a small-scale war started with my in-laws, my marriage was imploding, my parents and grandmother survived (thank you, God!!) a devastating tornado that destroyed everything but their sense of spirit and love for others, my mother immediately suffered a stroke after the tornado, I lost that same grandmother to cancer 5 short months later and my mother was having health issues...that we have now discovered is also cancer. Add to that pleasure cruise the fact that I made NO effort with my business/mission whatsoever. Now, that's just "me"...and what I didn't realize at the time was that my sweet 7 year old Emma was buckling under all of this shit storm as well. She had seemed so damn resilient that I failed to notice how everything was affecting her. So, I felt like a failure as a mother to top things off. I barely seemed to notice that my passion and zest for life and the good fight had hit the road. Peace out, 2015...you sucked. 

Somewhere between last year's bullshit and my friend sitting at my kitchen table and strongly suggesting that I pull my head out of my ass or she would just beat the shit out of me (the things people have to say to me sometimes, right?), I realized that I wasn't living in my truth. I wasn't taking care of Lauren. I wasn't practicing all those things that I know I must do to stay centered, feel peace and have a sense of well being. I wasn't sharing my gift in this world. I was hiding my gift behind my weight, my shambles of a family life and my human flaws. Busted...I totally let that happen.

 The first part of this year has consisted of me tracking down my passion and apologizing for being a dillhole. Apologizing to my body for not caring for it the way I'm called to care for it. Reclaiming my patio with coffee and wine with my friends. Working the soil in my garden and thanking it for being patient with me. "Thank you, rosemary, for hanging in there and you will always be a reminder of hope in my eyes." Because, everything else died, but that rosemary, although pretty raggedy right now, survived without me tending to it.

And, so it is with each of us...life is a cycle. It's not always rainbows and unicorns but life has a way of settling back into us. Sometimes, there is a struggle just to get from one day to the next...and we may feel forgotten, or targeted by misfortune, or fail to love ourselves enough. But then there is a renewal that comes along and wakes everything up. The sun shines through a window just right. A song plays that reminds us of a happy memory. God touches our hearts and says "remember how much I love you". And also, a friend threatens physical violence if you don't live in your truth :)

By the way, I pulled all of my flower pots down to prepare the soil so I can buy new flowers...and, wouldn't you know it, they're coming back too. "Rosemary, your hope inspired others to emerge...and that's a magical thing".

Thank you, garden...and my slap-happy friend...for helping me to come out of my year-long winter.


 

The Winds of Change Have Been a Blowin'

Many times, when I look in the mirror, I notice different things depending on my mood and what demons are awake.  One day, maybe I think one of my eyes looks wonky or lazy.  The next day, I might be convinced that I have no face and no neck...in fact, I'm certain that I consist of only my double chin.  Ugh.  What is up with that thing?!  Tomorrow hormones may flood my body in such immense proportions that I have to say "Uncle!".  Why else would I have hot flashes, a stealth chin pimple and a hint of what might be a mustache worthy of the waxing lady saying "you see that?  You looka like a man!".  Yeah, thanks nail lady...who is sadistically peeling my face off in the name of tidy brows and no-stache.  HOWEVER...TODAY I look in the mirror as an Eating Psychology Coach...practitioner...counselor...and, with work on self and many hours of training, I have found "the light" in the darkness of my own self abuse.  Today my purpose couldn't be more clear.  

I am here to bring light to the soul lurking in the lonely darkness of a misguided relationship around food.  The person who avoids looking in the mirror because only the imperfections reflect back...the ghost of true beauty has no reflection, right?  Feels true...at least to that person.  Then there exists the friend everyone thinks is so funny because he/she starts off social conversations by making fun of their "obvious weight problem" in order to get it out there as a joke instead of what it really is...an incredibly hurtful, humiliating, embarrassing moment if someone else calls attention to it.  It's damaging either way.  What about the woman who craves love and companionship that she'll surely be worthy of "when she loses weight"?  To her, all of her hopes and dreams of acceptance are framed by the numbers on the scale.  All of those scenarios, and countless more, are the reason I chose this career path.  On second thought, I cannot take the credit for the path that I am on...as it chose me.    

I was a chunky, but happy, child.  Then I was a thin, hot and curvy teen.  My parents were very loving and encouraged me to think for myself and have my own opinions.  Sometimes, that only meant that my mother would have to smile uncomfortably when I decided that the look for the day was straight from Madonna in the 80's, lace gloves and all (thank goodness I didn't develop an affinity for cone boobs, right?).  Other days, it meant sitting in a meeting in the High School Principal's office because I decided to pat my boyfriend on the ol' ass while I was cheering at a football game.  In my mind, nothing said "up yours, Coach" quite like an ass pat...because why in the world would I let a coach tell me my boyfriend can't come down and hang out with me when I'm supposed to be cheering?  Pffft...as if I was going to allow anyone to be the boss of me.  Indeed, my adolescence was emblazoned with a plethora of teenage antics and general naughtiness.  Plus, I had a real challenge with authority.  Can you sniff that out yet?  I suspect I may not be the only one who had this affliction.  

When I was 19, I moved to another state away from all family.  I married a man 13 years older than me, my stepchildren were closer to my age than he was and I began my career in advertising.  I went from my teenage years to a "successful" advertising career of high stress, late nights and lots of booze.  It was a pressure cooker and I gave it everything I had...feel that adrenaline, baby!  Why would I take care of myself or think about having an actual family of my own?  I was making great money and had so much perceived power!  I was a rock star at my job!  There are many reasons that my first marriage did not last but I vividly remember my husband saying to me..."that job has changed you"...and not for the better.  That was the beginning of the end.  It's quite important to mention here that, over those 10 years, I gained (and sometimes lost...only to regain that and more) over 150 lbs.  Looking back, I did everything I could...including making myself double in size...to avoid dealing with the demons that lurked within the strong, sharp tongued, quick witted me.

It was the summer of 2006 that I felt a shift in me for the first time.  Suddenly, work didn't come first in my life.  Friday and Saturday nights weren't about partying.  Instead, weekends well spent consisted of a close friend or two around my patio table, bottles of wine, delicious antipasto and brilliant laughing and sharing.  It was that summer when I realized that I had to slow down.  I had to stop pushing so hard.  I had to enjoy life and give back at the same time.

That was 10 years ago and a lot has happened since that summer.  I am remarried and have an amazing daughter of my own.  I have lost weight...gained more weight... battled more demons...lost...got back up...kicked a demon ass or two...discovered 3 more... replenished...and continue on my journey today.  The good news is this...I am winning.  I am winning through practice because life IS practice.  You're not perfect when you wake up and you won't be perfect when you lay that beautiful head down to sleep.  Guess what?  Our imperfections are expected...and they are perfectly normal and good.  A wise man once said "there is only one thing that is certain in life...and that is uncertainty...so relax into that uncertainty".  What a dork, right?  Well, he's completely right, my friends.  Once we accept that life is uncertain, it's one more piece of the puzzle that has found it's place.  There is a sea of pieces to that puzzle...and that is why our journey is for life.

You might be wondering what I meant in the beginning about how the path chose me.  Well, as I was pondering whether or not to attend a school for health coaching, a local wellness company found me on a networking site because they had an Office Manager position open.  To be clear, although I had a passion for these topics, there was NOTHING in my profile that indicated any interest in health and wellness so it was quite shocking when they reached out to me out of everyone else.  I was apprehensive about being heavy and interviewing with a wellness company but I did it anyway...and I was hired!  My position at this company only lasted about 4.5 months and I was devastated when it ended.  However, I recognized it as God's plan to give me a taste of what He had in store for me.  About 7 months later, I was on a soul soothing vacation with my family when I learned about The Institute for the Psychology of Eating, founded by Marc David, and his coaching certification program.  It was more expensive than the school I had been looking into but the concept was...different.  Marc David's program explores why we do the things we do with food and strategies we can use to help heal ourselves from a Mind Body Nutrition approach that is compassionate and intuitive.  Everything about the program felt right and my husband was very supportive of my decision.  Oh yeah...the "wise man" I mentioned above is, in fact, Marc David...and he is an amazing person on so many levels :)  

My training took me in some very hard to face areas of my being.  I am thankful to my soul for holding space for these experiences until I was ready to accept them.  To stand in front of a mirror and look at a body that I've spent so much time hating and realizing how much it has tried to protect me from the world is challenging, yet transformational.  I am grateful for my body's efforts to keep me safe.  I had to honor my feelings of being an emotional mess which, by the way, is actually quite normal for the Feminine in human beings...many of us just try to control it to the point of implosion.  I still don't wake up perfect...and I certainly stumble through many days...but this I know to be true: our life journey is a beautiful tapestry of experiences that are woven together by Expert Hands...that know exactly what They are doing.      

So today, I look at myself in the mirror and (on many days!) see the beautiful woman I have become and I am feeling so blessed as this career path is being added to MY tapestry.  I want to reach those who need encouragement to step into what wellness means for their life...those who need guidance on healing strategies for food/body image/digestive issues...those who need to find HOPE again beyond the number on the scale...to see the beautiful creation that they are...even NOW...and those who have given up because they "can't afford" to help themselves in this way.  If you, or someone you know, could potentially benefit from my services, please reach out to me at LaurenBaldwinEPC@gmail.com.  Lastly, and I mean this wholeheartedly: please do not let finances or circumstances keep you from taking this step for yourself.  I did exactly that for so many years mainly because I never came across anyone who expressed a true desire to help me and I couldn't afford to seek the services of the "experts" in the nutritional field.

I intend to bridge that gap for people who need my help.