Truth Telling from the Garden

"Here she comes...she's really going to try this crazy shit!  This whole, planting in May...starting outside from seed...it's lunacy!" said my whiskey barrel by the gate.  "I hear she's only been gardening for a few years...she doesn't know what the hell she's doing" commented another old weathered barrel.  "Well, I heard she's going to use OLD seeds this year!" whispered the newest of the barrels.  "This is Texas, lady...these plants won't even make it through the scorching summer...let alone produce anything"sneered a crotchety old whiskey barrel.  

Well, UP YOURS, nay-sayers!  STICK IT!

There's a freeze coming so I had to (reluctantly) pull all of my peppers and tomatoes from the garden.  My heart overflowed with gratitude and pride as I saw how many were on there.  You see, there were those who thought I was nuts.  You don't start tomatoes and peppers in May.  Truth is, I totally know that but time just escaped me in late March/early April.  You certainly don't start them outside from seed...in May.  Well, I did, so there!  And...for crying out loud, you don't use OLD seeds and expect anything.  Hey, that's all I had on hand on the day that felt inspired to plant!  I poked the little seeds down into the soil and talked to them like the freak I am.  I told them it's ok if they didn't feel like coming up but I wanted to give them a chance.  I had more tomato seeds than space so I decided to just plant them all rather than save them...I mean, surely some wouldn't come up because that would be defy all odds!

But...those little buggers DID!  And, it quickly became apparent that I would need to transplant this mass of tomato plants to other barrels.  They came up but they may not survive this transplant since I felt like Baby Huey doing it.  I apologized to them and hoped they'd grow strong.  They DID.

Ok...now I have a handful of barrels stuffed with plants like the garden version of that hording show...there was no way I could keep all of these so a few of my friends came over and we started re-potting them to give away to others.  And, by "we", I don't necessarily mean that I did much because, wine ;)  Again, they may not survive the transport/transplant but they were free, organic plants, so what the hell!  Take them & love them people!  Free love!  Uh...I mean through plants.

Over the summer, my tomato plants would get some blooms but didn't produce.  I would walk around my barrels and inspect the plants, talk to God, and ask for support for my garden.  My poor pepper plants were nowhere to be seen.  I guess those seeds were just too old.  Since my tomato plants had blooms but I rarely saw bees, I began the bloom to bloom make-out ritual.  Don't judge me.  They needed "help" in that area and I was like their plant sex therapist so to speak.  Not to brag on my skills, but I guess I'm pretty good at that because I started to see some little tomatoes late in the summer!  Then several of the plants got very, very bushy (geez, the 70's called and it wants it's bush back!!) and couldn't be held up anymore...they fell down and some split. I just left them because... they were still blooming! Crazy!

Then came September.  I saw my pepper plants coming up!  IN SEPTEMBER.  By this time, I had no idea what the hell kind of peppers they were but I knew they were something!  HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS!  These seeds sat there...doing whatever the hell they were doing in that soil...for 4 stinking months!!  What they hell were they doing down there?  Waiting for mom's meatloaf?  Welcome to the party, pepper folks!  Let's do this thing!

Since then, my tomatoes and peppers have been surprising me daily.  Now, because there were not many bees around, I lost a lot of pepper blooms but when I went out to pull the tomatoes to prepare for the freeze tonight, I was in AWE of the bounty that was on those vines.  Pure joy, I tell you!  Here's a side note...most of the tomatoes in the picture came from 2-3 tomato plants.  I had about 6 more that were struggling to stay alive themselves...and hadn't produced anything.  About 3 weeks ago (yes, in NOVEMBER), one of the struggling plants had 2 tomatoes on the mostly brown, somewhat dry, vine.  It did it.  It squeaked out some produce.  I damn near cried for this plant and I'm not shitting you.

All joking aside, I am truly thankful.  I'm thankful for the produce, yes.  But, more importantly, I'm thankful for the lesson.  God, I hear you.  You speak to me in some very interesting ways.

If you recall, 2015 was basically a disaster for my family and I realized that I had not participated in the things that brought me joy...like my garden.  So, the only thing left in the garden was the raggedy rosemary...then the flowers, being inspired by the rosemary, came back.  It was symbolic.  It renewed my outlook.

2016 has been a lovely, bi-polar bitch.  It's had some wonderful things, of course, but it's also had some mighty big challenges for my family again.  Yet, here I am...learning my lessons through produce.

God wants me to keep my hope and wonder.  To not give up on myself even if the odds are stacked against me.  To celebrate my victories even if they're small and late in the game.  To say: "What the hell!  Why not?!" more often.  Yes, I do think God wants me to say that...because he knows I just can't say heck.  Or "What the toast!"...is that a thing?  Maybe it should be.  Use it in a sentence today.  
God wants these things for you too.  Be the tomato...just keep blooming knowing you will produce.  Be the pepper...patiently waiting, knowing your moment is coming.  Be the rosemary or the spring flower...pushing through the harshness of life because you will be renewed again.  Be all of those things...because you can and you are so very worth every effort!

This is my harvest this morning.  I have NEVER, EVER had a tomato harvest so plentiful!  Plus, I grow heirlooms so it's even more challenging to keep them alive.  My heart is grateful.  Now I wait for tomatoes to ripen.  I will be using the bell peppers for chili this week and the jalepenos for my favorite night...veggie nacho night!

We can do this, people!!!
    

Don't forget to use worm castings for all of your plants! Good stuff!

Hope & Truth: A Tale of My Slap Happy Friend and the Raggedy Rosemary

I planted more vegetables in my garden last week. Big deal, right? Actually, it's quite symbolic. My fossilized garden this year was a very real reminder of how far I've come and how "life happens". Let's go there.

I love organic gardening. This part of me is something that blossomed in the last few years as my life was taking some unexpected turns toward a "hippy life" (never thought I'd be called a hippy...and also never thought I'd be perfectly ok with that!). I feel very connected to the universe when I'm working in my garden which happens to be a collection of empty Jack Daniel's whiskey barrels. I think the fact that they sold them without the whiskey was a little rude...but that's not the point (seriously though...who drank all that whiskey and didn't share?). Back to the point. There is such a sense of peace and harmony with God's creation when you plant seeds, watch them emerge, and nurture them into something that will provide life giving nutrients for you and your family.

Yes, I so love organic gardening...and yet, last year, I didn't touch my garden. At all. I didn't pull out the dead plants from the previous season and I didn't even pull the weeds out of those barrels that were growing because a bird shit a seed in them. I watched the garden just sit there and bake in the sun. In all honesty, I didn't actually watch it that much though because I rarely sat out on my patio either. Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE TO SIT ON MY PATIO. Alone or with a few good friends...with a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. Patios are a place where good shit happens. So, I didn't sit on my patio much and I ignored my garden. Life was a little rough in 2015. To say it was a struggle would be an understatement. Our core family became fractured, a small-scale war started with my in-laws, my marriage was imploding, my parents and grandmother survived (thank you, God!!) a devastating tornado that destroyed everything but their sense of spirit and love for others, my mother immediately suffered a stroke after the tornado, I lost that same grandmother to cancer 5 short months later and my mother was having health issues...that we have now discovered is also cancer. Add to that pleasure cruise the fact that I made NO effort with my business/mission whatsoever. Now, that's just "me"...and what I didn't realize at the time was that my sweet 7 year old Emma was buckling under all of this shit storm as well. She had seemed so damn resilient that I failed to notice how everything was affecting her. So, I felt like a failure as a mother to top things off. I barely seemed to notice that my passion and zest for life and the good fight had hit the road. Peace out, 2015...you sucked. 

Somewhere between last year's bullshit and my friend sitting at my kitchen table and strongly suggesting that I pull my head out of my ass or she would just beat the shit out of me (the things people have to say to me sometimes, right?), I realized that I wasn't living in my truth. I wasn't taking care of Lauren. I wasn't practicing all those things that I know I must do to stay centered, feel peace and have a sense of well being. I wasn't sharing my gift in this world. I was hiding my gift behind my weight, my shambles of a family life and my human flaws. Busted...I totally let that happen.

 The first part of this year has consisted of me tracking down my passion and apologizing for being a dillhole. Apologizing to my body for not caring for it the way I'm called to care for it. Reclaiming my patio with coffee and wine with my friends. Working the soil in my garden and thanking it for being patient with me. "Thank you, rosemary, for hanging in there and you will always be a reminder of hope in my eyes." Because, everything else died, but that rosemary, although pretty raggedy right now, survived without me tending to it.

And, so it is with each of us...life is a cycle. It's not always rainbows and unicorns but life has a way of settling back into us. Sometimes, there is a struggle just to get from one day to the next...and we may feel forgotten, or targeted by misfortune, or fail to love ourselves enough. But then there is a renewal that comes along and wakes everything up. The sun shines through a window just right. A song plays that reminds us of a happy memory. God touches our hearts and says "remember how much I love you". And also, a friend threatens physical violence if you don't live in your truth :)

By the way, I pulled all of my flower pots down to prepare the soil so I can buy new flowers...and, wouldn't you know it, they're coming back too. "Rosemary, your hope inspired others to emerge...and that's a magical thing".

Thank you, garden...and my slap-happy friend...for helping me to come out of my year-long winter.


 

The Winds of Change Have Been a Blowin'

Many times, when I look in the mirror, I notice different things depending on my mood and what demons are awake.  One day, maybe I think one of my eyes looks wonky or lazy.  The next day, I might be convinced that I have no face and no neck...in fact, I'm certain that I consist of only my double chin.  Ugh.  What is up with that thing?!  Tomorrow hormones may flood my body in such immense proportions that I have to say "Uncle!".  Why else would I have hot flashes, a stealth chin pimple and a hint of what might be a mustache worthy of the waxing lady saying "you see that?  You looka like a man!".  Yeah, thanks nail lady...who is sadistically peeling my face off in the name of tidy brows and no-stache.  HOWEVER...TODAY I look in the mirror as an Eating Psychology Coach...practitioner...counselor...and, with work on self and many hours of training, I have found "the light" in the darkness of my own self abuse.  Today my purpose couldn't be more clear.  

I am here to bring light to the soul lurking in the lonely darkness of a misguided relationship around food.  The person who avoids looking in the mirror because only the imperfections reflect back...the ghost of true beauty has no reflection, right?  Feels true...at least to that person.  Then there exists the friend everyone thinks is so funny because he/she starts off social conversations by making fun of their "obvious weight problem" in order to get it out there as a joke instead of what it really is...an incredibly hurtful, humiliating, embarrassing moment if someone else calls attention to it.  It's damaging either way.  What about the woman who craves love and companionship that she'll surely be worthy of "when she loses weight"?  To her, all of her hopes and dreams of acceptance are framed by the numbers on the scale.  All of those scenarios, and countless more, are the reason I chose this career path.  On second thought, I cannot take the credit for the path that I am on...as it chose me.    

I was a chunky, but happy, child.  Then I was a thin, hot and curvy teen.  My parents were very loving and encouraged me to think for myself and have my own opinions.  Sometimes, that only meant that my mother would have to smile uncomfortably when I decided that the look for the day was straight from Madonna in the 80's, lace gloves and all (thank goodness I didn't develop an affinity for cone boobs, right?).  Other days, it meant sitting in a meeting in the High School Principal's office because I decided to pat my boyfriend on the ol' ass while I was cheering at a football game.  In my mind, nothing said "up yours, Coach" quite like an ass pat...because why in the world would I let a coach tell me my boyfriend can't come down and hang out with me when I'm supposed to be cheering?  Pffft...as if I was going to allow anyone to be the boss of me.  Indeed, my adolescence was emblazoned with a plethora of teenage antics and general naughtiness.  Plus, I had a real challenge with authority.  Can you sniff that out yet?  I suspect I may not be the only one who had this affliction.  

When I was 19, I moved to another state away from all family.  I married a man 13 years older than me, my stepchildren were closer to my age than he was and I began my career in advertising.  I went from my teenage years to a "successful" advertising career of high stress, late nights and lots of booze.  It was a pressure cooker and I gave it everything I had...feel that adrenaline, baby!  Why would I take care of myself or think about having an actual family of my own?  I was making great money and had so much perceived power!  I was a rock star at my job!  There are many reasons that my first marriage did not last but I vividly remember my husband saying to me..."that job has changed you"...and not for the better.  That was the beginning of the end.  It's quite important to mention here that, over those 10 years, I gained (and sometimes lost...only to regain that and more) over 150 lbs.  Looking back, I did everything I could...including making myself double in size...to avoid dealing with the demons that lurked within the strong, sharp tongued, quick witted me.

It was the summer of 2006 that I felt a shift in me for the first time.  Suddenly, work didn't come first in my life.  Friday and Saturday nights weren't about partying.  Instead, weekends well spent consisted of a close friend or two around my patio table, bottles of wine, delicious antipasto and brilliant laughing and sharing.  It was that summer when I realized that I had to slow down.  I had to stop pushing so hard.  I had to enjoy life and give back at the same time.

That was 10 years ago and a lot has happened since that summer.  I am remarried and have an amazing daughter of my own.  I have lost weight...gained more weight... battled more demons...lost...got back up...kicked a demon ass or two...discovered 3 more... replenished...and continue on my journey today.  The good news is this...I am winning.  I am winning through practice because life IS practice.  You're not perfect when you wake up and you won't be perfect when you lay that beautiful head down to sleep.  Guess what?  Our imperfections are expected...and they are perfectly normal and good.  A wise man once said "there is only one thing that is certain in life...and that is uncertainty...so relax into that uncertainty".  What a dork, right?  Well, he's completely right, my friends.  Once we accept that life is uncertain, it's one more piece of the puzzle that has found it's place.  There is a sea of pieces to that puzzle...and that is why our journey is for life.

You might be wondering what I meant in the beginning about how the path chose me.  Well, as I was pondering whether or not to attend a school for health coaching, a local wellness company found me on a networking site because they had an Office Manager position open.  To be clear, although I had a passion for these topics, there was NOTHING in my profile that indicated any interest in health and wellness so it was quite shocking when they reached out to me out of everyone else.  I was apprehensive about being heavy and interviewing with a wellness company but I did it anyway...and I was hired!  My position at this company only lasted about 4.5 months and I was devastated when it ended.  However, I recognized it as God's plan to give me a taste of what He had in store for me.  About 7 months later, I was on a soul soothing vacation with my family when I learned about The Institute for the Psychology of Eating, founded by Marc David, and his coaching certification program.  It was more expensive than the school I had been looking into but the concept was...different.  Marc David's program explores why we do the things we do with food and strategies we can use to help heal ourselves from a Mind Body Nutrition approach that is compassionate and intuitive.  Everything about the program felt right and my husband was very supportive of my decision.  Oh yeah...the "wise man" I mentioned above is, in fact, Marc David...and he is an amazing person on so many levels :)  

My training took me in some very hard to face areas of my being.  I am thankful to my soul for holding space for these experiences until I was ready to accept them.  To stand in front of a mirror and look at a body that I've spent so much time hating and realizing how much it has tried to protect me from the world is challenging, yet transformational.  I am grateful for my body's efforts to keep me safe.  I had to honor my feelings of being an emotional mess which, by the way, is actually quite normal for the Feminine in human beings...many of us just try to control it to the point of implosion.  I still don't wake up perfect...and I certainly stumble through many days...but this I know to be true: our life journey is a beautiful tapestry of experiences that are woven together by Expert Hands...that know exactly what They are doing.      

So today, I look at myself in the mirror and (on many days!) see the beautiful woman I have become and I am feeling so blessed as this career path is being added to MY tapestry.  I want to reach those who need encouragement to step into what wellness means for their life...those who need guidance on healing strategies for food/body image/digestive issues...those who need to find HOPE again beyond the number on the scale...to see the beautiful creation that they are...even NOW...and those who have given up because they "can't afford" to help themselves in this way.  If you, or someone you know, could potentially benefit from my services, please reach out to me at LaurenBaldwinEPC@gmail.com.  Lastly, and I mean this wholeheartedly: please do not let finances or circumstances keep you from taking this step for yourself.  I did exactly that for so many years mainly because I never came across anyone who expressed a true desire to help me and I couldn't afford to seek the services of the "experts" in the nutritional field.

I intend to bridge that gap for people who need my help.  


   

Familiar Scenarios

For the most part, you eat all the "right" foods and you move your body (as in, maybe you’re not a hard core exerciser but you’re certainly not a couch potato) but you still continue to gain weight. Why? Not understanding the other factors involved in your struggle could leave you feeling very discouraged .    

Perhaps you're always riding the wave of the latest diet trend and you lose some weight. You hit the gym hard and lose some more weight. As the other super heroes would do, you thumb your nose at all of those naughty foods that you crave because they won't beat YOU - you have the willpower to resist them! You feel exhausted...BUT...you see yourself as a total badass for being in control of this area as long as the wave lasts. Then something happens. The wave of perceived success peters out. The weight you worked so hard to lose starts to creep its sorry ass back into your jeans (oh, and those pounds rarely return alone...no, no...they love to bring their snot nosed friends to the party on your thighs). You did what you were supposed to do - according to society: you majorly restricted calories, took weight loss supplements, denied yourself the pleasure of eating and exercised just short of dropping. Why the hell didn’t that work? At this point, you might be feeling like a failure.

Your body appears normal to most people but you hate it. As a matter of fact, you are disgusted by it. You stay up late at night and after everyone goes to bed, you open that bag of pretzels. You're just going to have a couple...the salty goodness is calling you. You don't know why you keep eating them. Ok...just a few more...then you'll put the bag away. Perhaps you do put the bag away. Do you ever come back for just one more handful? Or your trigger food could be ice cream. It could be anything. The food changes but the behavior is relatively consistent. Some people purge after these episodes. Others just sit with the feeling of hating themselves for not having enough self-control. Why does this keep happening? The vicious cycle could cause you to feel hopeless and defeated.

Do any of these scenarios sound remotely familiar to you? You are NOT alone, I promise! We have so many issues around food and spend hundreds of thousands of dollars every year on the next magic pill or potion that claims it will give us a beach body or help us "get our life back". I’m letting the diet industry secret out of the bag: whatever “it” is…it won’t do those things it claims on a sustainable level. Only we have the power to make true life changes and allow ourselves to be healed. What many people are not yet doing is seeking help to get to the source of their issues around food (if you're extremely lucky, it's just one source...but many times there are multiple things contributing to our struggles). That is why I have chosen my career as an Eating Psychology Coach. I wanted to know WHY! Why was I a vegetarian for nearly 20 years and struggling with my weight? Why did any weight that I managed to lose come back with a vengeance? Why would I start eating again when I should be fast asleep? Was I being punished by the universe for the way I treated people when I was thin and sexy? There have been  so many moments in my life that I have asked the universe…why me? Those questions don’t get answered until you invest in yourself and make your health and wellness – mind, body and soul – a priority. 

Anyone can abuse themselves in the pursuit of a low BMI. That is sustainable for very few people and what kind of life is that anyway? It doesn’t have to be that way, my friends. Yes, inner work is the longer road to wellness but it is so much more sustainable and certainly more loving to oneself.

Have you ever taken the scenic route even though the interstate would have been faster? What did you notice? I take in so much more of God’s beautiful creation when I take the road less traveled. I see things I never noticed before or perhaps I spot something that I forgot even existed. I am reminded of a time when life was much simpler…and usually happier! When I reach my destination, I don’t ever remember saying “Damn…that was a total waste of my time”.

You are not alone with these struggles and you do not have to face them alone. Invest in yourself. Do not let money or circumstances prevent you from taking this important step. No matter your location, if you feel that you could possibly benefit from my services, please contact me today.    

Oh, the demons we feed

I am NOT a perfect eater...I DON'T have a beach body...nor do I have a 21 year old's vibrance. I have been where many of you are now...hating your body...feeling unworthy of this or that because of your size...having abused yourself over and over again with chronic dieting, punishing exercise and harsh self judgment. I certainly still have struggles...but now I have the education to tag along with my passion to treat myself better as a soul on planet Earth. I have a little story to share with you about the demons we fight...and what happens when you stop the fighting...and start the dance.      

So, I've just made a pretty bad ass career change: I've earned my certification as an Eating Psychology Coach. Over the eight months I spent studying for my certification, I didn't give much thought to the day that I would meet many of my classmates at the alumni conference in Colorado. I like to call it my "graduation" because it was there that I actually received my certificate that names me as a Certified Eating Psychology Coach. When I look at that beautiful document, I cannot believe it has MY name on it...AND it's officially signed. This is really big for me because the only educational venture that I truly completed other than high school (and underage drinking in college) was a travel school in Florida. What the hell?  Exactly. It was a fun experience. Moving on.

When my training was complete, my husband and I embarked on the long drive from Dallas, TX to Boulder, CO, to meet classmates that I had only blindly "met" via Facebook and conference call. I comically began to visualize walking into a conference room full of small seats and tiny women in yoga pants. {insert record scratch here} WAIT. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? Am I going to be the token fat girl who studied eating psychology in a class full of yoga instructors? I did a pretty good job of hiding my growing panic. We arrived at the hotel and I could see a mob of my peers socializing near the lounge. I was in full NSA-drone-stealth-mode (because that's how I roll when I'm being a chicken shit pansy) so I quickly checked in and made my way up to my room to avoid an awkward "fat girl in the health/wellness industry" moment. Mission accomplished.

The next morning we went down to the hotel's gorgeous restaurant for breakfast prior to the start of the conference and the choice was menu ordering or buffet. Although I started to order off the menu, the server informed me that it's cheaper to do the buffet because my choices were already included in that price. I seriously still hesitated...because of the size of my body and the stigma that's attached to buffets...what would people say when they saw me go up there? "Oh, see...yeah, that's why she's a chunk...she chose the buffet...let's see how much she eats". Um...yeah...see, no one actually said that...it was all that voice in my head so I shivved that bitch and saved a couple bucks. The food was amazing...and I showed the people around me...who were not at all interested in what or how much I was eating ...that I can eat at a buffet without having to wear sweat pants. What a relief! 

Anyway. My husband wanted to leave to go skiing and it became apparent to him that I was lingering and avoiding...slowly sipping my coffee. He asked what was going on with me. I looked out the window at those gorgeous Rocky Mountains in the distance (it's symbolic!). "I'm scared to go..." I said as my freshly mascara'd eyes filled with tears. My newfound fear of being rejected based on my size was welling up inside of me and I was sure I was walking right into the mouth of some terrifying monster down the hall. My husband leaned in close to me at the table and said..."Honey...God brought you here for a reason....now go in there and FACE YOUR SHIT!".

Is that even legal? Did he really just use God and the word "shit" together to make a point to me? You're damn right he did. You know why? Because God knows exactly how to get through to me. I laughed through my tears and kissed my husband goodbye...then made the slow and sobering walk towards those double doors at the end of the hall.  

I signed in and guess what? It didn't say "Token Fat Girl" next to my name. Whew! That was a close one. I looked around and didn't notice any one looking strangely at me or snickering with their buddies. I found a seat and anxiously waited to meet my mentor, Marc David. When Marc arrived, he received a standing ovation. Not surprising since he is probably one of the most remarkably wise men I've ever met. He asked for someone to share how the program changed their life. Crickets...no sounds...no volunteers...then...MY damn hand shot up! What? Who the hell is doing that shit????!!!   Way to just push me out into the deep end, God! I wondered if I could just share my little story from my seat. Nope. Called up on the stage.

I was shaking and my eyes immediately filled with tears as I looked around the room at everyone who I was certain was silently judging me. Marc grabbed my hand and started swinging it like we were two little girls on the playground. He looked right into my soul as he said, with the most comforting smile..."It's ok...just take your time". Through my tears and trembling voice, I managed to start with something like "I was afraid to come in here today...I didn't know if I would be accepted because of my size. I wondered if I was walking into a room full of yoga instructors". Then, because I cannot let an awkward moment go without a little humor, I told the group that I hoped I didn't look like Tammy Faye Bakker. A few people caught what I said and laughed and saying it helped me to relax slightly. I proceeded to share with them little snippets from my life: I have struggled with my weight for most of my adult life and I've never understood why I gained so much since I had been a vegetarian for nearly 20 years. Over those years, I had gained/lost/gained probably 150 lbs or more. I've lived with "ghosts" of the beautiful figure and confidence of my youth. I have defended why I don't consider bariatric surgery as an option for treating my weight issue, while feeling alienated by some very important people in my life who believe my problem is hand to mouth, plain and simple. This dysfunctional ride just made things worse.

I shared with them that I KNEW I could heal this...I KNEW it was not food at the root of my weight issue...and I NEEDED the support of those who loved me! So how did it change my life? My training forced me to look deep within myself and shine the light in painful places that wanted to remain hidden. It put ME in front of a mirror...first to explore who I really am and then how I can begin to love myself again. I had to learn to LISTEN to what my body was trying to tell me...and part of that was facing the sobering fact that I needed to add high quality, clean meat back into my diet. That was an immense challenge for me on the emotional level and was not taken lightly. I explained that the culmination of my training was this: I am not broken and I don't need to be fixed...I am worthy of love from others and, more importantly, myself...my body is a wise protector and it has served me well...but now it's time to heal those areas that it's protecting.  

During this entire time, Marc was holding my hand tightly and then he asked me to look around at my peers, many of whom had been moved to tears. He asked me if I felt accepted and loved...and I did beyond words. He kept me up on the stage for a few more minutes while he talked about the challenge of our work as counselors, all the while still holding my hand. When it was time, he turned and hugged me tightly, thanked me for sharing so honestly with the group and kissed me on the cheek. I felt like a rock star that entire weekend and left with an awesome perspective on my mission because so many people approached me to say that my story was inspiring, heartfelt and real. They connected with what I was brave enough to say in front of everyone and it helped others gain the confidence to share their stories as well. You see...everything that happened on that stage didn't just happen to me, it happened to my demon too...that ugly voice inside of me who utters abusive, hateful things about myself. Always tearing down instead of building up. During that beautiful weekend in Colorado, I showed my demon some love for the first time. It was seen. It was acknowledged. And it was softened. It will always be part of me...and sometimes gets it's panties in a wad. That's perfectly ok. I don't fight it anymore. I breathe, I love it up, I dance with it...and I accept it as proof that life is not perfect. It's absolutely uncertain, but I'm still blessed to live it.    

I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life-and no matter what my weight is at any given time, God has blessed me with the desire to walk hand in hand with others who need the encouragement to dance with their demons. We are born to love and be loved...and we are worthy of that at any size.