I planted more vegetables in my garden last week. Big deal, right? Actually, it's quite symbolic. My fossilized garden this year was a very real reminder of how far I've come and how "life happens". Let's go there.
I love organic gardening. This part of me is something that blossomed in the last few years as my life was taking some unexpected turns toward a "hippy life" (never thought I'd be called a hippy...and also never thought I'd be perfectly ok with that!). I feel very connected to the universe when I'm working in my garden which happens to be a collection of empty Jack Daniel's whiskey barrels. I think the fact that they sold them without the whiskey was a little rude...but that's not the point (seriously though...who drank all that whiskey and didn't share?). Back to the point. There is such a sense of peace and harmony with God's creation when you plant seeds, watch them emerge, and nurture them into something that will provide life giving nutrients for you and your family.
Yes, I so love organic gardening...and yet, last year, I didn't touch my garden. At all. I didn't pull out the dead plants from the previous season and I didn't even pull the weeds out of those barrels that were growing because a bird shit a seed in them. I watched the garden just sit there and bake in the sun. In all honesty, I didn't actually watch it that much though because I rarely sat out on my patio either. Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE TO SIT ON MY PATIO. Alone or with a few good friends...with a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. Patios are a place where good shit happens. So, I didn't sit on my patio much and I ignored my garden. Life was a little rough in 2015. To say it was a struggle would be an understatement. Our core family became fractured, a small-scale war started with my in-laws, my marriage was imploding, my parents and grandmother survived (thank you, God!!) a devastating tornado that destroyed everything but their sense of spirit and love for others, my mother immediately suffered a stroke after the tornado, I lost that same grandmother to cancer 5 short months later and my mother was having health issues...that we have now discovered is also cancer. Add to that pleasure cruise the fact that I made NO effort with my business/mission whatsoever. Now, that's just "me"...and what I didn't realize at the time was that my sweet 7 year old Emma was buckling under all of this shit storm as well. She had seemed so damn resilient that I failed to notice how everything was affecting her. So, I felt like a failure as a mother to top things off. I barely seemed to notice that my passion and zest for life and the good fight had hit the road. Peace out, 2015...you sucked.
Somewhere between last year's bullshit and my friend sitting at my kitchen table and strongly suggesting that I pull my head out of my ass or she would just beat the shit out of me (the things people have to say to me sometimes, right?), I realized that I wasn't living in my truth. I wasn't taking care of Lauren. I wasn't practicing all those things that I know I must do to stay centered, feel peace and have a sense of well being. I wasn't sharing my gift in this world. I was hiding my gift behind my weight, my shambles of a family life and my human flaws. Busted...I totally let that happen.
The first part of this year has consisted of me tracking down my passion and apologizing for being a dillhole. Apologizing to my body for not caring for it the way I'm called to care for it. Reclaiming my patio with coffee and wine with my friends. Working the soil in my garden and thanking it for being patient with me. "Thank you, rosemary, for hanging in there and you will always be a reminder of hope in my eyes." Because, everything else died, but that rosemary, although pretty raggedy right now, survived without me tending to it.
And, so it is with each of us...life is a cycle. It's not always rainbows and unicorns but life has a way of settling back into us. Sometimes, there is a struggle just to get from one day to the next...and we may feel forgotten, or targeted by misfortune, or fail to love ourselves enough. But then there is a renewal that comes along and wakes everything up. The sun shines through a window just right. A song plays that reminds us of a happy memory. God touches our hearts and says "remember how much I love you". And also, a friend threatens physical violence if you don't live in your truth :)
By the way, I pulled all of my flower pots down to prepare the soil so I can buy new flowers...and, wouldn't you know it, they're coming back too. "Rosemary, your hope inspired others to emerge...and that's a magical thing".
Thank you, garden...and my slap-happy friend...for helping me to come out of my year-long winter.
